What's the point of working hard if there is never a reward? I work to live. I don't live to work. I'm not the type of person that wants to sit at home all day and do nothing but at the same time, I don't want to work my butt off just so I can earn the right to work my butt off again. What's the freaking point?! And to add to it, I am sure that no one gives a freaking crap about me or what happens to me. If I walked outside and got squished by a bus, the only concern would be who would clean up the mess. Am I really that insignificant? 

And before you jump to conclusions, I am not trying to make people feel sorry for me. I don't want anyone's pity. Knowing that someone feels sorry for me isn't going to change the situation. Pity or sympathy isn't going to bring back my dream. All it will do is make me more frustrated and upset. Unless you have a solution to my problem, don't tell me you're sorry. You're being sorry that I got screwed isn't going to make me any less screwed. If it would, I would be begging and pleading for your pity. 

Sometimes, I think that God punishes me. I have asked my priest about this and he said that God does not punish us. There are consequences for our actions but there isn't a punishment from God. I believe this to be true and I know that God takes care of me but there are always times when I think that God just sort of turns His back on me. I know that I can't do anything without Him and while He may not punish me, I think He might ignore me. I am sure someone will tell me, "Mike, it just wasn't in God's will." And that may very well be true but my dream wasn't something against God. I just want to be happy. Why wouldn't my happiness be in God's will? Is it God's will that I be miserable for the rest of my life? Does He not care that my heart is broken?

Maybe I shouldn't put the blame on God. Maybe it's all my fault. Maybe there was something more that I could have done but didn't. Maybe I just failed yet again. That wouldn't really surprise me. I've been a failure most of my life. My biggest fear in life is that I will be seen as a failure and it's a reality that I have been trying to avoid for a long time now. All I ever wanted was for my parents to look down on me from heaven and be proud of the person that I became. I think if they were alive to see me now, all they would see is a failure. 

I have no talent, I'm a failure and my remaining dream has been shattered. I should probably take out a big fat life insurance policy on myself and find that bus. At least that way, my wife could live comfortably instead of having to be married to a loser and have the opportunity to find someone better. I'm sure it wouldn't be hard.